It's this paralyzing, overwhelming feeling of not being able to move, particularly after I've had some sort of perceived success. I laid in the bed the majority of the day, thoughts rummaging through my head and more bad news coming by the minute, one of my young cousin's is dying in hospice, more is being requested out of me that I'm not sure I can provide, more being piled on top of the list, on and off social media looking at whatever, to just laying..."this" feeling had always happened to me. The feeling of being incapable and stuck, the "depressed" feeling and I'd spend hours just doing nothing.
It's not the "doing nothing" part that's so concerning, but the helplessness. "Why do I feel so helpless?" After 10 or so years, or maybe the majority of my life doing "this". It really jumped out to me that it's NOT ok. It really clicked that: It's depression. And on the eve of my 27th birthday this month, I just realized that the battle I've struggled with for so long was depression.
This is a time in my life that I really felt like I was pushing through to my breakthrough, but all hell is breaking loose as it usually does. Simultaneously when I decide that I can make it, and I'm gonna go for it...all hell is breaking loose. The odds stacked up against me seem insurmountable. I couldn't help but hear in my spirit. "God puts you in chaos to bring the best out of you". If that's the case then there must be something amazing in store. I honestly do feel like my breakthrough is around the corner. Because of my desire for God to use me, I suspect that this issue had to come out. I couldn't keep living in bondage, but wanting success and quality at the same time. The unction received from the holy spirit: "God will never take you where He can't sustain you." Of course God can sustain me anywhere, but I can't keep getting in my own way.
God gave me a vision and an organization before, a platform, that I really didn't know what to do with. Now I have my voice and no devil in hell well stop it... I won't either.